Cooking is Love

Growing up as a typical barrio lass, somehow we were expected to be like our mother (and grandmother and great, great grandmother) - early riser, nurturing, industrious, selfless, loving, and frugal, to name a few.  We were raised to know what to do first thing on a Saturday - pick up the broom and sweep the floor.  Instead of watching TV or play outside, we were asked to help with household chores.

Stubborn as I could be, I chose the carefree world.  I climbed trees; mastered the rules of piko, patintero, and sikyo*; and played from dusk till dawn.  I preferred reading books and studying my lessons over things stored in the pantry.

I was used to having everything served before my eyes.  Before the sun goes up, my mother and my aunt have already finished the laundry.  Breakfast is warm.  My lunchbox has been neatly packed.

There is no wonder that I could barely cook a decent fried egg and steamed rice even when I was already in senior high school back then.  My friends could attest to that. 

Things changed after college graduation and passing the licensure exam.  Bum days would either mean job hunting or house cleaning.  That was the time I started to listen intently to my mother.  She would always tell me, "Don't ask.  Just watch."  And watch was what I really did!

Later on, I helped out in peeling a potato or two.  "Don't cut it like that, cut it in cubes.. it's for menudo**," Nanay would often tell me.   My mind would always argue with her ... "Will it change the taste of the food if I cut the veggies differently?"  

When she was diagnosed to have breast cancer and had to totally stop doing household chores after the surgery and chemotherapy, that's when I had my baptism of fire.

It was not easy.  I had to wake up early in the morning, and I am not a morning person to begin with.  There were meals to be planned for the whole day to be able to feed 8 people (or more.)  I had to take on the marketing task alone; learned how to haggle; got introduced to all varieties of fish, meat, and all the veggies in the Bahay Kubo song.  I discovered how to select the freshest produce.

The journey was not a breeze though.  I've had bloopers here and there.  On my first attempt at cooking (Filipino) beef stew, I put the cardava bananas (saba) ahead of the potatoes.  By the time the tubers have perfectly cooked, the bananas have already dissolved with the broth. :)

And so they say the rest is history.  Several years down the road, here I am in a foreign land still keeping the magic apron and soup ladle with me.

Cooking, for me, is love.  I have seen that kind of affection with how my mother meticulously prepares  each meal for us.

I cook for the people who are special to me.  This is my therapy.  I am happy when they feel gratified with what's on the plate in front of them, and I will cook as long as my hands (and taste buds) would allow me to.

Looking back, that girl who used to flinch at the sight of a stove has grown to become a wonderful cook... just like her mom. ♥

__________________________________________
* Traditional street games in the Philippines
**A traditional stew in the Philippines

You’re Unbelievable

You know me.  I don't hold grudges.  I never burn bridges.

When you came knocking at my door, I opened it once again.  With the aches and pains long forgotten, I accepted you anew.

Time heals all wounds, and that's what I've held on to for quite a while.  So in spite of all the warning signs around me, I chose to hear you like old friends do.

The haze has cleared, and I could see clearly now.  You never changed a bit; not a single cell in your persona evolved.  When I thought difficulties would mold a better person out of us, it may not hold true for you.

It pains me to know that you still live under a blanket of lies and deceit.  You juggle yourself in a world of fabricated stories where you are the knight in shining armor, I am your damsel in distress, and the rest are just plain old villains and witches.

You skated on thin ice.

You do not have to prove anything to me any more.  I've known you too well.  I have seen the real hue of your flesh.  When my only hope was to bring you back into the light, you just kept on treading water in the dark.  It is a very perilous pursuit.  Since you've been a master of disguise, you have successfully permeated my shield. 

But I'm smarter now.

I am tired of this masquerade.

Quit playing games with me because I am now versed with the tricks of the trade, and I learned them only from the best...  I learned them all from YOU.

You're simply unbelievable.

They Were There

When I arrived shortly before midnight from Manila... they were there waiting at the lobby to welcome me. They carried my luggage and prepared a sumptuous dinner for me.

When I had to undergo prophylaxis... they were there to walk with me to the clinic and to the pharmacy.

When I feel the pains of the medications... they were there to give me pieces of advice on how to get through it.

When I didn't have my salary yet... they were there to 'adopt' me.

When my ATM got retained in the machine twice... they were there to cheer me up.

When I got sick... they were there to bring medications and snacks.

When I was so broken up inside... they were there to listen and give me comforting words.

When I couldn't sleep... they were there to kill time with me.

When I felt that everything was not going right... they were there to prove me otherwise.

There were lots of WHEN I's, and they were ALWAYS there. So this is my way of saying THANK YOU. 

Ma'am A, Len, and chef Leo: You have been my original HMC PEP SQUAD! Thanks so much for helping me make it through. :) 

And thank you, Father God, for blessing me with wonderful friends... here, there, and everywhere!

Chest Pains

I've had a handful of this today.  Yes, chest pains ... not the angina pectoris type (signifying a heart condition) but a really painful chest.  Ouch!  I was subjected to have a 2D echocardiogram today so I could have 'another' Cardiology clearance to finally get a residence ID.  This was the second time that I had this test, so I somehow have an idea on how painful it could get.

People who know me too well are aware as to how hospitals and checkups bring out that forlorn side of me.   And that it would lead to my next topic ... the other side of the coin.  A different type of pain.  The midlife-crisis-type of pain.

What I have is my own manifestation of white-coat syndrome.  It is during this time when I, again, hoped that someone was with me out there at the waiting area, reassuring me that everything's gonna be okay.  That feeling of security that could wipe away all the anxiety flushing through my veins.

Some married friends usually say I am lucky to still have eight hours (or more) of sleep, get into a shopping spree any time of the month, take a vacation whenever and wherever I want to... and the list goes on.  Others would say I deserve someone better and that I have to just wait until God gives His special gift for me.  Honestly, right now, I am tired of waiting.

It's not that I want to rush into desperate measures.  I am just thinking out loud.  This is what I feel at this very moment.  Silly but true.

Just allow me this moment to wallow in misery without judging me negatively.

Tomorrow will be a better day.  And I'll be back to my usual hopeful self. 

I'll be fine.  This is just my sentimental side blurting out her sentiments.  The bubbly and sanguine version will surely be back tomorrow as soon as the physical pains are gone.

And to my friends who said that the best is yet to come, please don't give up on reminding me about it.

I still believe in that ... perhaps, when I have become a better person, too.

Always a Legionary

Who is she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array?

This is the heart of a prayer being recited by members of the Legion of Mary.

I was one of the pioneer legionaries at our local parish, and I recall having a fruitful apostolic start as a young servant.  I regularly hear mass and attend the weekly prayer meeting.  Together with the other members, we spearheaded 2 block rosary units in our place.  There were home visitations, prison visits, visitations of the sick, to name a few.  We also had times mixing play and pray - the annual Acies (something like renewal of our vow) and the September birthday celebration (of Mama Mary!).  The growth of our group was monumental.  Soon thereafter, we already have junior legionaries!

Through the years, we've had members coming and leaving.  Some left to live overseas, some got married, some just did not felt like keeping the vow alive.  And it died.

The true test lies on living what we preach.  That's where I failed.  And only because I thought I have found love.  A complicated one.

My journey then brought my feet to the Kingdom where practicing religion outside of Islam is prohibited.  Who would have thought that in my random PC searches I would be lead back to a group of courageous people who never wavered to live up to their vows.  My complicated relationship seem to be cast aside momentarily solely because the person works in a faraway place.  Swallowing the bitter pill, I soon found myself attending to my religious duties, albeit secretly.  That is when I remembered what a church elder told us when we were just starting out, "Once a legionary, always a legionary."  

When I got back to my home country, I still could not find the strength to revive the group.  The sole reason - my "it's complicated" relationship. I do not see it fit.  It would be like a blind leading the blind.

Behind that complexity, I would always ask Father God to show me the way back to the right direction.  It did not happen overnight.  A lot of broken promises and a lot of (tears) and years later, I finally got the courage to put an end to that vicious cycle.  I then found myself wandering through the humid air of Qatar.

Tonight, I have just sent an E-mail to four people who seem to be connected with the Legion of Mary here in Doha.  (Thanks to Google!)

I hope to receive a reply from them so I could serve back.  I am eager to fulfill my promise to Her and to Our Father.  This time, I come with an open self, free from the shadow of my sinful and sorrowful past.

And I request all of you, dear brothers and sisters, to pray for me to never falter again.

________________________________________________________

Mary Help of Christians.  Pray for us.

Lord, grant me the strength to continue walking back to Your path.  Amen.

Life Ain’t Perfect

You receive an announcement that the salary you've been anticipating for almost 2 months is already available. You check your payslip to find out you are still not included. You walk under the humid weather for 10 minutes to go to the machine and double-check. Nothing happens. In fact, your ATM card got retained in it!

After a while, you meet up with some of your old friends that you haven't seen for quite a while, and everything just felt right.

When it seems like the world has turned its back on you, think again.  Things might not happen exactly the way how you planned it to be, but believe that there is always a good reason behind it.

Instead of wallowing in a pool of misery, look around you.  God has given you a lot of reasons to put that beautiful smile back in that face again.  Fathom the moral of this experience.  You will learn something out of it.

Smile.

It just happened to me.

Life ain't perfect.

But I keep on bouncing back. :)

Pahiwatig

Napansin ko na lamang na naglalakad ako sa isang pamilyar na lugar.  Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako nakarating dito, ngunit batid kong nanggaling na ako dito.  Sinalubong ako ng isang lalaking may katamtamang taas, nakangiti na para bang kilalang-kilala na ako. Pangkaraniwan ang kanyang kasuotan - naka T-shirt na asul, naka-itim na pantalon, naka-sapatos na balat.

Iginiya nya ako papasok sa isang malaking auditorium.  Wala akong maaninag sapagkat nababalot ito ng kadiliman.  Pagkaupo ko sa isang bakanteng silya, nagsalita ang lalaki na para bang maraming kausap.  “Tinipon kayo sa silid na ito upang suriin ang inyong buhay.”

Katahimikan.

Biglang nagbalik sa aking alaala kung nasaan ako.  Pangalawang ulit na itong nangyayari sa akin!

Nanigas ang buo kong katawan at nagpilit akong tumakbo palabas ng silid, subalit parang may kung anong pwersang nagtatali sa akin sa upuan.

Narinig kong muli ang tinig.  “Maaaring unang pagkakataon pa lamang ito sa iba, pang-ilang ulit na sa iba.  At sa iba pa, hindi na nila maalala kung dumaan na sila dito o hindi pa.”

Sumindi ang isang nakabubulag na liwanag.  Marami akong nakitang tao sa aking paligid. May bata, may matanda, may babae, may lalaki.  Iisa lamang ang nakilala ko sa karamihan ng taong iyon.  Isang kaibigan na itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang Anita.

Isa-isang tinawag ang mga pangalan ng mga taong nakaupo.  Sa bawat paglapit ay kasabay ang pagbubukas ng isang malaking telon sa aming harapan.  Para kaming nasa loob ng isang sinehan.  Gumuguhit sa telon ang buhay ng mga taong tinawag ng lalaking nagsasalita kanina. Pagkatapos isa-isa silang lumalabas – mayroon sa gawing kanan na lagusan at ang iba naman ay sa bandang kaliwa.

Hanggang tatlo na lamang kaming naiwan.  Ako, si Anita, at isang matandang babae.  Unang tinawag ang matandang babae.  Pagkatapos ay ako, sumunod si Anita.  Nakakapagtakang hindi kami pinalabas kaagad pagkatapos ipakita ang aming buhay sa malaking telon.

Pumagitna ang lalaki sa amin at nagwika, “Ito na ang huling desisyon.”  Natutop ko ang aking dibdib sapagkat pamilyar na sa akin ang magaganap.  Palalabasin ako sa kaliwang pinto at hindi na makakabalik sa piling ng aking mga magulang, kapatid, at mga kaibigan.

Nagsimula nang mangilid ang aking mga luha.  Anumang oras ay lalagpak na ang mga iyon sa aking pisngi.  Waring wala pa ring nalalaman si Anita at ang matandang babae kung ano ang nagaganap.  Patuloy silang naghihintay sa sasabihin ng lalaki.

Nilingon ng lalaki ang matandang babae.  “Nanay, maaari na kayong lumabas sa kanang pinto. Salamat po.”  Sumunod nito’y ang pabalik-balik na tingin nya sa amin ni Anita.

“Batid kong ang isa sa inyo ay nakatatanda na kung ano ang dapat maganap.”  Kasunod nito’y ang pagtitig ng lalaki sa aking mga mata.  Hindi ako kumukurap.

“Anita, maaari ka ng lumabas sa kanang pinto.”

Wari’y batis na umagos ang luha sa aking mga mata.  Nawalan ng lakas ang buo kong katawan at pakiramdam ko’y mabubuwal ako sa aking kinatatayuan.  Alam ko na talaga ito!

“Bakit ako na naman?  Marami pa akong hindi nagagawa sa labas.  Malulumbay na labis ang aking mga magulang at mga kapatid.”

Nagsalitang muli ang lalaki, “Nabigyan ka na ng pangalawang pagkakataon para ayusin ang iyong buhay at gawin ang nararapat.  Subalit sinayang mo ang ikalawang pagkakataon.  Hindi ka na kailanman makababalik pa sa kanila.”

Alam kong panay ang sigaw ko subalit parang walang nakaririnig.  O maaaring wala rin talagang tinig na lumalabas sa aking bibig.

Nakiusap ako sa lalaking aking kaharap.  “Maaari bang sa huling pagkakataon ay makapagpaalam ako sa kanila?  Naghihintay sila sa aking paglabas.  Parang awa mo na.”

Umayon naman ang lalaki.

Dali-dali akong lumabas sa silid sa direksyong aking dinaanan kanina.  Pagbukas ng pinto, nakita ko ang aking nanay at tatay kasama ang aking mga kapatid, mga tiyo at tiya, at ang aking mga piling kaibigan.  Wala na akong ibang mabigkas kung hindi ang mga salitang, “Hindi na po ako makababalik.  Maraming salamat po sa lahat.  Mahal na mahal ko kayo.”

Nakita ko ang pagguhit ng hapis sa mukha ni nanay.  Hindi ko na rin nagawang lumingon sa lahat sapagkat lalo lamang akong mahihirapang tanggapin ang nakatakda.

Niyakap ko sila ng mahigpit at unti-unting humakbang palayo.

Humahagulgol na ako habang pabalik sa direksyong papasok sa auditorium.  Umiiyak ako hanggang sa magsikip ang aking dibdib na halos hindi na ako makahinga.

At bigla akong nagdilat.

Madilim ang aking silid.

Hilam ng luha ang aking mga mata.

Isang panaginip lang pala.  Salamat sa Diyos.

Distancia, Amiga

It's been a while since I last felt angry, and today is nothing different from the previous one.

I just felt the urge to write about my feelings because it has always been my therapy from the stress around me.  I will not be discussing the details...I'll just exhaust the fumes as I hear my keyboard clicking to every motion of my fingers.

As one of my favorite movie lines go, "I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life."  I'm not perfect, and I know no one else is.

Right now, I'm mad.  I'm sad.  I'm hurting a bit.

This, too, shall pass, like any other day.  But the wound will stay a while.

So leave me alone.

Lost

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪  Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?  ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

This Diana Ross classic lingers in my memory every so often.  How would I forget?  This was one of our graduation songs in 1990.

Looking back, I think I always knew what I really wanted.  But things changed along the way.  Indecision sets in.

Every night before I fall asleep, my mind wanders through a lot of unanswered questions.  What is it that I really want?  What have I done to get what I want?  Am I happy with the decisions I've made through the years?  Or it could have been better?  What if I said 'yes' to this, 'no' to that?  What if I did this?  And so on...
Some of these questions exist to this very day.

It's that feeling of wanting to do something and yet you do not know when or where or how to start.

I'm 33, and I still do not know the answers.

So help me God.

Less Talk, Less Mistake

I was scheduled to go back to the staff clinic today to have my PPD reading.  This is a test in which a small amount of tuberculin is injected under the skin to see if a patient has tuberculosis (TB).

Well, TB is not yet eradicated in the Philippines so we are at risk to be exposed.

The sub-dermal injection was done four days ago.  I was quite sure that I will not have any reaction to the agent any more.

And I was correct.

The nurse told me that I tested negative and that I could go back to my duty already.  So I turned to face the door without realizing that I was speaking my thoughts out loud.

Unknowingly, I said, "Hay salamat, di na ko positive dahil sa INH*!"

And the clock stood still for a split second, and then I heard the nurse said:  "WHAT DID YOU SAY, SISTER?!  INH?  WHEN?" And an internal alarm suddenly nagged me that something will turn out wrong.

"Uhhmm, in 2006, sister.  I had INH therapy in Riyadh."  And said this in a reassuring manner thinking it would change her mind.

Uh-oh...too late!  I lost my grace under pressure and told her something I'm not supposed to say! 

She handed me a request form to have another blood test done to double-check if I am indeed exposure-free.  So instead of getting clearance today, I will have to submit myself for a QuantiFERON test tomorrow at the OPD! 

Me and my big mouth!  

*Isoniazid is a treatment given to patients who tested positive for TB exposure.

Angels Everywhere

When I first learned that my Qatar application has been approved, mixed emotions again hovered. It would mean adjusting to the humid weather one more time, exposing to a somehow-restricted culture, and new groups of people to mingle with.

It was not as frightening as my first flight though so I know that somehow, life in Doha will not be as life-changing as what I have been through in Riyadh.

I breezed through NAIA without any issues except for the one-hour delayed departure. I was able to stretch out and spend 4 hours at Bahrain International Airport before enplaning to Doha International Airport.

Tired and hungry, I literally dragged my luggage to get to the designated building. And there they were, 2 angels in disguise. They patiently waited for my arrival to help me get to my room and prepared dinner for me! They literally adopted me for a week until such time that I could go out and buy my basic needs - food, utensils, toiletries.

My three flatmates are also kind fellows. Upon learning that they already have a neighbor at room D, they greeted me and told me there is no rush to buy utensils as I could use their things at the kitchen. They also offered to share their wireless internet connection and cable TV unless I see the need to get my own.

At the HR office, a Filipino was in charge of the new staff. He is warm and accommodating - I never felt that I'm in a foreign land.

When I went to the designated bank to open an ATM account for my salary, the pleasant Qatari lady courteously told me that the request has been denied because of changes with the bank's policy. Even before I could raise a single question, she was already on her feet ushering me to the office of the Assistant Bank Manager and told me to talk to him because he is a Filipino. And voila, I got my current account opened in an instant!

To these wonderful people who have been heaven-sent, thank you so much and may your tribe increase!