Pahiwatig

Napansin ko na lamang na naglalakad ako sa isang pamilyar na lugar.  Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako nakarating dito, ngunit batid kong nanggaling na ako dito.  Sinalubong ako ng isang lalaking may katamtamang taas, nakangiti na para bang kilalang-kilala na ako. Pangkaraniwan ang kanyang kasuotan - naka T-shirt na asul, naka-itim na pantalon, naka-sapatos na balat.

Iginiya nya ako papasok sa isang malaking auditorium.  Wala akong maaninag sapagkat nababalot ito ng kadiliman.  Pagkaupo ko sa isang bakanteng silya, nagsalita ang lalaki na para bang maraming kausap.  “Tinipon kayo sa silid na ito upang suriin ang inyong buhay.”

Katahimikan.

Biglang nagbalik sa aking alaala kung nasaan ako.  Pangalawang ulit na itong nangyayari sa akin!

Nanigas ang buo kong katawan at nagpilit akong tumakbo palabas ng silid, subalit parang may kung anong pwersang nagtatali sa akin sa upuan.

Narinig kong muli ang tinig.  “Maaaring unang pagkakataon pa lamang ito sa iba, pang-ilang ulit na sa iba.  At sa iba pa, hindi na nila maalala kung dumaan na sila dito o hindi pa.”

Sumindi ang isang nakabubulag na liwanag.  Marami akong nakitang tao sa aking paligid. May bata, may matanda, may babae, may lalaki.  Iisa lamang ang nakilala ko sa karamihan ng taong iyon.  Isang kaibigan na itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang Anita.

Isa-isang tinawag ang mga pangalan ng mga taong nakaupo.  Sa bawat paglapit ay kasabay ang pagbubukas ng isang malaking telon sa aming harapan.  Para kaming nasa loob ng isang sinehan.  Gumuguhit sa telon ang buhay ng mga taong tinawag ng lalaking nagsasalita kanina. Pagkatapos isa-isa silang lumalabas – mayroon sa gawing kanan na lagusan at ang iba naman ay sa bandang kaliwa.

Hanggang tatlo na lamang kaming naiwan.  Ako, si Anita, at isang matandang babae.  Unang tinawag ang matandang babae.  Pagkatapos ay ako, sumunod si Anita.  Nakakapagtakang hindi kami pinalabas kaagad pagkatapos ipakita ang aming buhay sa malaking telon.

Pumagitna ang lalaki sa amin at nagwika, “Ito na ang huling desisyon.”  Natutop ko ang aking dibdib sapagkat pamilyar na sa akin ang magaganap.  Palalabasin ako sa kaliwang pinto at hindi na makakabalik sa piling ng aking mga magulang, kapatid, at mga kaibigan.

Nagsimula nang mangilid ang aking mga luha.  Anumang oras ay lalagpak na ang mga iyon sa aking pisngi.  Waring wala pa ring nalalaman si Anita at ang matandang babae kung ano ang nagaganap.  Patuloy silang naghihintay sa sasabihin ng lalaki.

Nilingon ng lalaki ang matandang babae.  “Nanay, maaari na kayong lumabas sa kanang pinto. Salamat po.”  Sumunod nito’y ang pabalik-balik na tingin nya sa amin ni Anita.

“Batid kong ang isa sa inyo ay nakatatanda na kung ano ang dapat maganap.”  Kasunod nito’y ang pagtitig ng lalaki sa aking mga mata.  Hindi ako kumukurap.

“Anita, maaari ka ng lumabas sa kanang pinto.”

Wari’y batis na umagos ang luha sa aking mga mata.  Nawalan ng lakas ang buo kong katawan at pakiramdam ko’y mabubuwal ako sa aking kinatatayuan.  Alam ko na talaga ito!

“Bakit ako na naman?  Marami pa akong hindi nagagawa sa labas.  Malulumbay na labis ang aking mga magulang at mga kapatid.”

Nagsalitang muli ang lalaki, “Nabigyan ka na ng pangalawang pagkakataon para ayusin ang iyong buhay at gawin ang nararapat.  Subalit sinayang mo ang ikalawang pagkakataon.  Hindi ka na kailanman makababalik pa sa kanila.”

Alam kong panay ang sigaw ko subalit parang walang nakaririnig.  O maaaring wala rin talagang tinig na lumalabas sa aking bibig.

Nakiusap ako sa lalaking aking kaharap.  “Maaari bang sa huling pagkakataon ay makapagpaalam ako sa kanila?  Naghihintay sila sa aking paglabas.  Parang awa mo na.”

Umayon naman ang lalaki.

Dali-dali akong lumabas sa silid sa direksyong aking dinaanan kanina.  Pagbukas ng pinto, nakita ko ang aking nanay at tatay kasama ang aking mga kapatid, mga tiyo at tiya, at ang aking mga piling kaibigan.  Wala na akong ibang mabigkas kung hindi ang mga salitang, “Hindi na po ako makababalik.  Maraming salamat po sa lahat.  Mahal na mahal ko kayo.”

Nakita ko ang pagguhit ng hapis sa mukha ni nanay.  Hindi ko na rin nagawang lumingon sa lahat sapagkat lalo lamang akong mahihirapang tanggapin ang nakatakda.

Niyakap ko sila ng mahigpit at unti-unting humakbang palayo.

Humahagulgol na ako habang pabalik sa direksyong papasok sa auditorium.  Umiiyak ako hanggang sa magsikip ang aking dibdib na halos hindi na ako makahinga.

At bigla akong nagdilat.

Madilim ang aking silid.

Hilam ng luha ang aking mga mata.

Isang panaginip lang pala.  Salamat sa Diyos.

Distancia, Amiga

It's been a while since I last felt angry, and today is nothing different from the previous one.

I just felt the urge to write about my feelings because it has always been my therapy from the stress around me.  I will not be discussing the details...I'll just exhaust the fumes as I hear my keyboard clicking to every motion of my fingers.

As one of my favorite movie lines go, "I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life."  I'm not perfect, and I know no one else is.

Right now, I'm mad.  I'm sad.  I'm hurting a bit.

This, too, shall pass, like any other day.  But the wound will stay a while.

So leave me alone.

Lost

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪  Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?  ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

This Diana Ross classic lingers in my memory every so often.  How would I forget?  This was one of our graduation songs in 1990.

Looking back, I think I always knew what I really wanted.  But things changed along the way.  Indecision sets in.

Every night before I fall asleep, my mind wanders through a lot of unanswered questions.  What is it that I really want?  What have I done to get what I want?  Am I happy with the decisions I've made through the years?  Or it could have been better?  What if I said 'yes' to this, 'no' to that?  What if I did this?  And so on...
Some of these questions exist to this very day.

It's that feeling of wanting to do something and yet you do not know when or where or how to start.

I'm 33, and I still do not know the answers.

So help me God.

Less Talk, Less Mistake

I was scheduled to go back to the staff clinic today to have my PPD reading.  This is a test in which a small amount of tuberculin is injected under the skin to see if a patient has tuberculosis (TB).

Well, TB is not yet eradicated in the Philippines so we are at risk to be exposed.

The sub-dermal injection was done four days ago.  I was quite sure that I will not have any reaction to the agent any more.

And I was correct.

The nurse told me that I tested negative and that I could go back to my duty already.  So I turned to face the door without realizing that I was speaking my thoughts out loud.

Unknowingly, I said, "Hay salamat, di na ko positive dahil sa INH*!"

And the clock stood still for a split second, and then I heard the nurse said:  "WHAT DID YOU SAY, SISTER?!  INH?  WHEN?" And an internal alarm suddenly nagged me that something will turn out wrong.

"Uhhmm, in 2006, sister.  I had INH therapy in Riyadh."  And said this in a reassuring manner thinking it would change her mind.

Uh-oh...too late!  I lost my grace under pressure and told her something I'm not supposed to say! 

She handed me a request form to have another blood test done to double-check if I am indeed exposure-free.  So instead of getting clearance today, I will have to submit myself for a QuantiFERON test tomorrow at the OPD! 

Me and my big mouth!  

*Isoniazid is a treatment given to patients who tested positive for TB exposure.

Angels Everywhere

When I first learned that my Qatar application has been approved, mixed emotions again hovered. It would mean adjusting to the humid weather one more time, exposing to a somehow-restricted culture, and new groups of people to mingle with.

It was not as frightening as my first flight though so I know that somehow, life in Doha will not be as life-changing as what I have been through in Riyadh.

I breezed through NAIA without any issues except for the one-hour delayed departure. I was able to stretch out and spend 4 hours at Bahrain International Airport before enplaning to Doha International Airport.

Tired and hungry, I literally dragged my luggage to get to the designated building. And there they were, 2 angels in disguise. They patiently waited for my arrival to help me get to my room and prepared dinner for me! They literally adopted me for a week until such time that I could go out and buy my basic needs - food, utensils, toiletries.

My three flatmates are also kind fellows. Upon learning that they already have a neighbor at room D, they greeted me and told me there is no rush to buy utensils as I could use their things at the kitchen. They also offered to share their wireless internet connection and cable TV unless I see the need to get my own.

At the HR office, a Filipino was in charge of the new staff. He is warm and accommodating - I never felt that I'm in a foreign land.

When I went to the designated bank to open an ATM account for my salary, the pleasant Qatari lady courteously told me that the request has been denied because of changes with the bank's policy. Even before I could raise a single question, she was already on her feet ushering me to the office of the Assistant Bank Manager and told me to talk to him because he is a Filipino. And voila, I got my current account opened in an instant!

To these wonderful people who have been heaven-sent, thank you so much and may your tribe increase!