I've had a handful of this today. Yes, chest pains ... not the angina pectoris type (signifying a heart condition) but a really painful chest. Ouch! I was subjected to have a 2D echocardiogram today so I could have 'another' Cardiology clearance to finally get a residence ID. This was the second time that I had this test, so I somehow have an idea on how painful it could get.
People who know me too well are aware as to how hospitals and checkups bring out that forlorn side of me. And that it would lead to my next topic ... the other side of the coin. A different type of pain. The midlife-crisis-type of pain.
What I have is my own manifestation of white-coat syndrome. It is during this time when I, again, hoped that someone was with me out there at the waiting area, reassuring me that everything's gonna be okay. That feeling of security that could wipe away all the anxiety flushing through my veins.
Some married friends usually say I am lucky to still have eight hours (or more) of sleep, get into a shopping spree any time of the month, take a vacation whenever and wherever I want to... and the list goes on. Others would say I deserve someone better and that I have to just wait until God gives His special gift for me. Honestly, right now, I am tired of waiting.
It's not that I want to rush into desperate measures. I am just thinking out loud. This is what I feel at this very moment. Silly but true.
Just allow me this moment to wallow in misery without judging me negatively.
Tomorrow will be a better day. And I'll be back to my usual hopeful self.
I'll be fine. This is just my sentimental side blurting out her sentiments. The bubbly and sanguine version will surely be back tomorrow as soon as the physical pains are gone.
And to my friends who said that the best is yet to come, please don't give up on reminding me about it.
I still believe in that ... perhaps, when I have become a better person, too.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Always a Legionary
Who is she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array?
This is the heart of a prayer being recited by members of the Legion of Mary.
I was one of the pioneer legionaries at our local parish, and I recall having a fruitful apostolic start as a young servant. I regularly hear mass and attend the weekly prayer meeting. Together with the other members, we spearheaded 2 block rosary units in our place. There were home visitations, prison visits, visitations of the sick, to name a few. We also had times mixing play and pray - the annual Acies (something like renewal of our vow) and the September birthday celebration (of Mama Mary!). The growth of our group was monumental. Soon thereafter, we already have junior legionaries!
Through the years, we've had members coming and leaving. Some left to live overseas, some got married, some just did not felt like keeping the vow alive. And it died.
The true test lies on living what we preach. That's where I failed. And only because I thought I have found love. A complicated one.
My journey then brought my feet to the Kingdom where practicing religion outside of Islam is prohibited. Who would have thought that in my random PC searches I would be lead back to a group of courageous people who never wavered to live up to their vows. My complicated relationship seem to be cast aside momentarily solely because the person works in a faraway place. Swallowing the bitter pill, I soon found myself attending to my religious duties, albeit secretly. That is when I remembered what a church elder told us when we were just starting out, "Once a legionary, always a legionary."
When I got back to my home country, I still could not find the strength to revive the group. The sole reason - my "it's complicated" relationship. I do not see it fit. It would be like a blind leading the blind.
Behind that complexity, I would always ask Father God to show me the way back to the right direction. It did not happen overnight. A lot of broken promises and a lot of (tears) and years later, I finally got the courage to put an end to that vicious cycle. I then found myself wandering through the humid air of Qatar.
Tonight, I have just sent an E-mail to four people who seem to be connected with the Legion of Mary here in Doha. (Thanks to Google!)
I hope to receive a reply from them so I could serve back. I am eager to fulfill my promise to Her and to Our Father. This time, I come with an open self, free from the shadow of my sinful and sorrowful past.
And I request all of you, dear brothers and sisters, to pray for me to never falter again.
Lord,
grant me the strength to continue walking back to Your path. Amen.
This is the heart of a prayer being recited by members of the Legion of Mary.
I was one of the pioneer legionaries at our local parish, and I recall having a fruitful apostolic start as a young servant. I regularly hear mass and attend the weekly prayer meeting. Together with the other members, we spearheaded 2 block rosary units in our place. There were home visitations, prison visits, visitations of the sick, to name a few. We also had times mixing play and pray - the annual Acies (something like renewal of our vow) and the September birthday celebration (of Mama Mary!). The growth of our group was monumental. Soon thereafter, we already have junior legionaries!
Through the years, we've had members coming and leaving. Some left to live overseas, some got married, some just did not felt like keeping the vow alive. And it died.
The true test lies on living what we preach. That's where I failed. And only because I thought I have found love. A complicated one.
My journey then brought my feet to the Kingdom where practicing religion outside of Islam is prohibited. Who would have thought that in my random PC searches I would be lead back to a group of courageous people who never wavered to live up to their vows. My complicated relationship seem to be cast aside momentarily solely because the person works in a faraway place. Swallowing the bitter pill, I soon found myself attending to my religious duties, albeit secretly. That is when I remembered what a church elder told us when we were just starting out, "Once a legionary, always a legionary."
When I got back to my home country, I still could not find the strength to revive the group. The sole reason - my "it's complicated" relationship. I do not see it fit. It would be like a blind leading the blind.
Behind that complexity, I would always ask Father God to show me the way back to the right direction. It did not happen overnight. A lot of broken promises and a lot of (tears) and years later, I finally got the courage to put an end to that vicious cycle. I then found myself wandering through the humid air of Qatar.
Tonight, I have just sent an E-mail to four people who seem to be connected with the Legion of Mary here in Doha. (Thanks to Google!)
I hope to receive a reply from them so I could serve back. I am eager to fulfill my promise to Her and to Our Father. This time, I come with an open self, free from the shadow of my sinful and sorrowful past.
And I request all of you, dear brothers and sisters, to pray for me to never falter again.
________________________________________________________
Mary Help
of Christians. Pray for us.
Life Ain’t Perfect
You receive an announcement that the salary you've been anticipating for almost 2 months is already available. You check your payslip to find out you are still not included. You walk under the humid weather for 10 minutes to go to the machine and double-check. Nothing happens. In fact, your ATM card got retained in it!
After a while, you meet up with some of your old friends that you haven't seen for quite a while, and everything just felt right.
When it seems like the world has turned its back on you, think again. Things might not happen exactly the way how you planned it to be, but believe that there is always a good reason behind it.
Instead of wallowing in a pool of misery, look around you. God has given you a lot of reasons to put that beautiful smile back in that face again. Fathom the moral of this experience. You will learn something out of it.
Smile.
It just happened to me.
Life ain't perfect.
But I keep on bouncing back. :)
After a while, you meet up with some of your old friends that you haven't seen for quite a while, and everything just felt right.
When it seems like the world has turned its back on you, think again. Things might not happen exactly the way how you planned it to be, but believe that there is always a good reason behind it.
Instead of wallowing in a pool of misery, look around you. God has given you a lot of reasons to put that beautiful smile back in that face again. Fathom the moral of this experience. You will learn something out of it.
Smile.
It just happened to me.
Life ain't perfect.
But I keep on bouncing back. :)
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